becoming a stranger
I have this person in my life who I used to be close with. It's difficult to move on and pretend that they're a stranger. Why are the things that are good for us so counterintuitive? To pretend like someone close to you was no one to you at all. It all just sounds so painful. I've realized that this aspect of life is something that I really just haven't learned. Some people surprisingly intuit or maybe are taught it.
They Don't Exist Anymore
The way that I've been trying to think about it is this: People change and so the them that was close to you, the them that brightened your day and the them that you could just casually update and lean on are still there. The only thing is that they no longer exist in the present moment. Rather, that person exists in your memories and in the ways that they affected you positively. The things that you admired about them and internalized, all of that is still within you.
So in saying that, I feel like what is the point in missing that person? In a way they are still with me and I carry them with me despite them not existing any longer in the present moment.
To You From Me
I'm sad that it's basically over at this point. I remember when I first contacted you it was so much fun, you were a stranger and somehow someway we met! I'll always remember that art museum we went to and also the baseball game that we watched. I had a really good time :) I regret not thinking about it more and not defining things between us. Assuming things that weren't true. I was scared to talk about things that felt 'real' and didn't want to ruin the fun and the friendship. It would have helped and maybe we wouldn't be here.
Things were fun that summer I enjoyed learning about your world about the art that you created and that linguistics program where you met so many cool people! I was hesitant because you were so different. It was like a block in my mind and I stopped myself from fully being a good friend. As time went on into the school year I felt a slow drift over time. It was gradual and I really didn't realize it at first, it was foolish of me to think that things would last forever. Because it didn't and I acted irrationally made some decisions out of my anxiety to try and save things.
It ended up pushing you away more. And I feel hurt that I hurt you and hurt that you hurt me. I want to try and fix things. Clear the air get closure. I'm scared to try because I'm scared to make things worse. I'm not even sure if I can do it or if that will even make this better.
If that never ends up happening I just want you to know that I wish you the best even if I'm not there and thanks for giving me those wonderful feelings and new perspectives in life :)